Basically, What Happens Is...

The Hills Have Eyes (movie)

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:59:18 -0500

A couple, Ethel and Bob, and their assorted kids, travel to California. And instead of just buying plane tickets and flying like a normal family would, they decide to instead drive through the rough, soulless desert in a camper.

While they’re traveling, they drive over a spike belt which flattens all the tires. Bob, the father, walks back to the gas station they passed by ages ago, and doesn’t think on how a spike belt got onto the road when it appears that this desert is inhabitable.

After Bob leaves, one of their dogs runs off into the desert and Bobby (Bob’s son) goes after it, because separating in the middle of nowhere is always a good idea. When Bobby finds the dog, it’s already dead. It completely freaks him out and falls down a cliff, knocking him unconscious. While he’s passed out, a pair of sibling hill dwellers happen upon him and the dead dog. The boy eats the dog, but the girl is smitten with Bobby, and drags him to a cave to deal with later.

Meanwhile, Bob has found the gas station. The owner flips his shit and kills himself. The leader of the hill dwellers attacks Bob and he gets his ass carted off.

Bobby wakes up in the cave and escapes and goes back to the family. He helpfully doesn’t tell anyone that there’s something killing things and dragging people around, so everyone decides a good night sleep is the best thing.

Hill dweller Lizard breaks into the camper while everyone is sleeping and tries to rape Brenda, the eldest daughter. Everyone starts running around in a frenzy, and they discover Bob has been set on fire. Everyone freaks out even more.

The hill dwellers shoot Ethel and her daughter Lynn, but they don’t have enough bullets to kill Brenda so they just leave, even though they’ve proven that they out number her and could kill her very easily. They take Brenda’s baby with them, to raise as a non-mutated hill dweller, I guess.

Brenda’s husband Doug was off bullshitting around with Bobby for god knows why, so they have no idea everyone has been attacked/murdered, but I can’t say that I think they should be surprised. Once again, people break the first rule: don’t split up. Doug leaves to go after his baby, even though this group has already proved they are completely incapable of protecting themselves.

It turns out this part of the desert was used for bomb testing, which sort of explains the mutated hill dwellers. Except it doesn’t at all. These inexplicable mutants have moved into the dilapidated bomb village, which for no reason whatsoever still has amenities, and somehow manage to survive just to be horrifying to travelers.

He creeps into the house and is more or less immediately overwhelmed by the mutants who live there. They stick him in a freezer to eat later.

Doug gets out, of course. And fucks up a bunch of mutants, even though they’re bigger and strong than he is. He tries to find his baby, but it turns out the girl hill dweller has already taken her to bring back to Brenda.

Meanwhile more hill dwellers went back to the camper and are eating bodies and attack Brenda and Bobby. Somehow, Brenda and Bobby and Doug manage to kill all the bad mutants and get their baby back. They start walking in some random direction they think civilization will be, only to be spied on by a pair of binoculars.

The moral of the story: Don’t watch this movie, and don’t go into the desert.

Shutter Island (movie)

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:34:27 -0500

There was a really long time where I was convinced that Shutter Island was just a series of really well made vignettes they played before actual movies in the theater. It took for fucking ever to actually be released and by the time it was, the already slim chance of me seeing it was gone. But here’s what I remember and what I’ve gathered from Wikipedia.

There’s nothing creepier than mental hospitals, but oh wait yes there is when you put the mental hospital on a fucking island and then make it rain forever and ever.

So Leo DiCaprio is a cop with a bad accent, like usual, and he and his partner are investigating the hospital because they apparently drew short straw, and the head of the hospital is secretive and creepy and bald and there’s a storm (of course there is) so they’re stuck.

Leo starts having headaches and hallucinating your average creepy mental hospital shenanigans, which is always a good sign, and uncovers this big conspiracy, and people get sent to a lighthouse to be lobotomized because lighthouses weren’t creepy enough, I need new reasons to be scared of them. Then eventually it comes out that it’s all a game and he is actually a patient at the mental hospital and this has all been one big ruse to try to break him out of his psychosis. This is revealed through an anagram, a la Tom Marvolo Riddle. Word games are fun.

So then he’s back to reality and understands that he killed his wife or set her on fire or something, but then he regresses and starts talking about the conspiracy and they shrug and send him to the lighthouse and cut his brain out.

It’s probably still fucking raining.

what exactly is sophies choice about and when people say it are they using it correctly?

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:17:03 -0500

Dude. Sophie had to pick which one of her kids would be murdered.

Choosing between fries and onion rings is not your very own Sophie’s Choice.

American Horror Story (TV show)

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:11:02 -0500

A family moves into a house where everyone who’s lived there has been brutally murdered and/or committed suicide. Either no one tells them about it when they move in, or they’re told and they just don’t give a shit, and move in anyway.

For some reason the house has a maid. This maid is both super-hot and young, and creepily old. Either way, that doesn’t matter. The dad fucks her anyway on a near constant basis.

The daughter meets a boy. They discover they’re both sort of fucked up and they fall in love. The boy keeps trying to convince the girl to kill herself. It turns out that the boy is a ghost but so is the girl; she killed herself like right off that bat but she doesn’t remember. He’s been trying to get her to killer herself again so she can pass over, or be a double ghost, or something..

I guess it’s super romantic, since everyone on my dash had a HUGE boner for this dude.

Zachary Quinto hangs out and has really awkward hair. He’s going to adopt a baby. His mother doesn’t think he can be a fit parent because his hair has no place raising a child.

The mother has a sex with a ghost and gives birth to twin ghost babies. She dies in child birth - giving birth to ghost babies is hard on the body - and the father hangs himself because all the other ghosts in the house convince him to.

Twilight (novel)

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0500

Basically what happens is there’s this girl Bella, who is pale even though she lives in Arizona, which I can relate to. Then she gets sent to live with her dad so her mom can more freely bang her jailbait boyfriend or something. We need to really heavy-handedly establish that Bella is endlessly self-sacrificing.

So she moves to the middle of nowhere, Washington, to live with her dad, who is a sheriff.

Bella is quiet and awkward in the way that every protagonist in teenage girl targeted novels is, lately, and she vacillates between feeling out of place because she has no self-esteem, and because she thinks she’s better than everyone in her new, small town.

Bella’s kind of insufferable.

She immediately latches onto the Cullens, who are quiet and mysterious, because hipsters stick together and only they can understand her despair at being stuck in this podunk town and also she relates to their pallid complexions.

She especially likes Edward, who alternates between staring creepily at her and pretending she doesn’t exist. They’re lab partners and she thinks she smells bad and he disappears, then he saves her from a runaway minivan and she gets suspicious and asks her friend (not a boy, not yet a werewolf) questions and figures out that he’s a vampire. Then he saves her from some douche townies and tells her he’s a vampire (BUT A GOOD ONE) and then they’re in love.

That all might have happened in a slightly different order. I was too busy laughing at the fact that she still has dial-up.

Edward watches her sleep a lot, which she finds endearing rather than creepy, and every time he touches her her hormones go apeshit and she keeps forgetting that he is a FUCKING VAMPIRE so no, he really can’t just give you a hickey and leave it at that.

They play baseball, because teenage girls do stupid things when they like a boy, and other vampires (BAD ONES) come and they figure out she’s a human and Edward has a sort of silent dick waving competition with one that turns out to be a douchebag and a tracker (good move, Edward) so they go on the run.

He tracks them down anyway, because he’s a tracker, and Bella runs off to meet him in hopes of getting him to leave everyone else alone BECAUSE REMEMBER, SHE’S SELF-SACRIFICING and because a skinny, clumsy human is better equipped for this than a giant fucking pack of vampires.

Everyone shows up and she gets the shit beaten out of her and Edward has to suck her blood to get venom out and then they go to prom.

Also somewhere in there she’s bad at gym class and he’s sparkly like a pretty princess.

ETA: And all the vampires can like, ~do shit~ because being a fucking vampire isn’t enough. And Edward can hear thoughts but not hers. Don’t worry, it’s not important until the 2nd half of book four.

What's going on here?

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 13:36:01 -0500

This morning I (Andie) was talking to Murphy about trying to figure out what the movie “Silent House” was about via Wikipedia and IMDB reviews of the original that it’s based off. I am terrified of horror movies, but I always read about them and then end up trying to explain them to people. I do that with a lot of things, actually.

Murphy brought up how she always used to explain episodes of Lost to her friend, long after the friend had stopped watching the show.

If you’ve been following either/both of us for any decent amount of time, you know that we tend to get too involved in picking apart a song or a scene in a show or anything at all, really. And then bitch and make things up.

So we decided to subject all of you to it. Is there a movie that you’re curious about but don’t want to bother looking it up? Episode of a TV show you don’t understand or just didn’t see? A song you just want us to complain about? We’ll explain it for you! Maybe we’ve seen it, maybe we’ll find it, maybe we’ll just try to figure out what happened and summarize our findings.

Drop requests in the ask.

Disclaimer: This will all be highly inaccurate and/or sensationalized.